The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together

The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together

From a leading clinical psychologist who has counseled couples and individuals for decades, a wise, radical, and optimistic approach to marriage that promises compatibility between an individual’s development and the often relentless demands of a relationship.People today are trying to make their marriages work over longer lives than ever before—for their children’s health...

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Title:The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together
Author:Daphne de Marneffe
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Edition Language:English

The Rough Patch: Marriage and the Art of Living Together Reviews

  • Lilatovinl

    This was one of the most insightful relationship books I’ve ever read. At times I felt as if the author had been in the same room when me and my husband were arguing. She provides a refreshing outlook on marriage and I highly recommend to anyone going through a “rough patch”.

  • Catelyn Silapachai

    I've read a fair amount of marriage books and this one is at the top of the list. Nuanced psychology with lots of real life examples from the author's experience as a couple's therapist. The book is marketed towards couples going through a mid-life crisis, but as a 31 year old (5 years into marriage), I found it relatable, interesting, and encouraging.

  • Sarah SL

    Excellent practical advice for middle age.

  • Mehrsa

    This isn't exactly a marriage advice book that lays out how to communicate or how to stay in love, but it is a really important book for anyone who has been married for a long time and is in midlife. It just shows that your troubles are neither insurmountable nor are they all that unique. The book goes section by section and analyses a couple or two that struggle with each issue (money, aging, etc). Some are better than others, but the book on the whole was very worthwhile.

  • Kathleen

    We went through a rough patch a few years ago and I wish we had read this book. It would have been infinitely more useful than any of the others we read. Even after a couple of years on the other side of our rough patch, I still found the book really helpful. There are many conversations I would like to have with my husband after reading this book so that we can avoid going through similar trials again in the future.

    The author focuses most of the attention to the importance of attachment styles

    We went through a rough patch a few years ago and I wish we had read this book. It would have been infinitely more useful than any of the others we read. Even after a couple of years on the other side of our rough patch, I still found the book really helpful. There are many conversations I would like to have with my husband after reading this book so that we can avoid going through similar trials again in the future.

    The author focuses most of the attention to the importance of attachment styles and the narratives we tell, about ourselves, our partner, and our relationship. She begins from the position that marriage is the relationship where we need to be able to feel and be dependent on our spouse. The question isn't whether we should be dependent; it's how should we be dependent? How do we create a relationship where each person can feel safe in the knowledge that they can be dependent on each other so that they can show up fully emotionally, sexually, and intellectually in the relationship without fear? We don't want to be codependent, but it's also the case that too much independence can also be stifling. The author names a lot of what I feel like has been the sticking point for my marriage. People dealing with conflict that has to do with attachment styles may really benefit from reading this book.

    The author also encourages readers to be reflective about the narratives they tell themselves and others about themselves, their partners, and their relationship. She encourages spouses to try to find space for their spouse's narrative without the need for one story to be the official story. Her focus on narrative made me want to hear my husband tell me our story. How did we get together? How did we end up in the rough patch? How did we get out of it? What is the story we're in now?

    I remember how awful it felt when I thought things would never get better. But they did. And now I have a richer love for my husband than I did before. I wish we had owned a copy of this book during our rough time. I think we would have had more hope and gotten through it faster if we did.

  • Cristine Mermaid

    To be fair, this is an ARC so it hasn't completely been edited yet so a couple of the issues I have with it may not be relevant by the time it is actually released.

    I started reading this on break and it resonated. I am their demographic. I related to so much of it and it was incredibly reassuring to learn that my feelings/thoughts/experiences are quite typical and normal.

    I highlighted this book like mad because so many thoughts I have that worry me and that I thought were exclusive to me are pe

    To be fair, this is an ARC so it hasn't completely been edited yet so a couple of the issues I have with it may not be relevant by the time it is actually released.

    I started reading this on break and it resonated. I am their demographic. I related to so much of it and it was incredibly reassuring to learn that my feelings/thoughts/experiences are quite typical and normal.

    I highlighted this book like mad because so many thoughts I have that worry me and that I thought were exclusive to me are perfectly normal considering circumstances and that alone made the book worth reading.

    The only reason I didn't give it 5 is because the author made a few comments that seemed to be a bit dismissive of stay at home parents, as though we have it easy somehow. Later she was very much in support of how hard it is and that it's a sacrifice for many but those first comments turned me off.

    Also, there are a few ideas and suggestions but there is no "well this is how you fix it" section so that stopped this from being 5 stores for me.

  • Susan Underbrink

    A big thank you to NetGalley for the ARC. I am voluntarily reviewing this book. Not sure I got this as I am now separated . Maybe to see how I can avoid making the same mistakes. I found it interesting, but not with many tips. It reconfirmed that what I was feeling wasn't unusual. I may have missed it but I didn't see much on divorce with older children. Overall I found it helpful.

  • Pam Cipkowski

    Full disclosure: I am neither married at the time, nor living together with anyone. Yet I still found this a helpful and informative read with regards to relationships. When cultivating a relationship, it helps to focus on three questions: Who do I want to be as an individual? Who do I want to be as a partner? And how do the two fit together? The book is filled with various scenarios and case studies of dilemmas and “rough patches” often encountered in midlife relationships, including substance

    Full disclosure: I am neither married at the time, nor living together with anyone. Yet I still found this a helpful and informative read with regards to relationships. When cultivating a relationship, it helps to focus on three questions: Who do I want to be as an individual? Who do I want to be as a partner? And how do the two fit together? The book is filled with various scenarios and case studies of dilemmas and “rough patches” often encountered in midlife relationships, including substance abuse, money, infidelity, and the process of aging. It’s all very clinical, and while there’s a lot of it I can’t quite relate to, it’s also very interesting, with little bits and pieces to learn from. It’s hard to know when to keep trying, and when to leave. But it’s imperative to start off by remembering, “We have the right to expect love, and the responsibility to give love.…Don’t let that die. Once it dies, once you close your heart, it’s really, really hard to open it back up.”

  • Marcia Miller

    I felt a bit like a voyeur reading the many descriptions of couples who sought counseling from Dr. de Marneffe to address their marital "rough patches." While she may be a highly experienced and well-regarded therapist, her writing style comes across as dull and repetitive. I found this book to be a tedious read whose insights scarcely made me feel especially enlightened or informed. Maybe it simply wasn't for me.

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