Fifty Shades Darker

Fifty Shades Darker

Daunted by the singular sexual tastes and dark secrets of the beautiful, tormented young entrepreneur Christian Grey, Anastasia Steele has broken off their relationship to start a new career with a Seattle publishing house. But desire for Christian still dominates her every waking thought, and when he proposes a new arrangement, Anastasia cannot resist. They rekindle their...

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Title:Fifty Shades Darker
Author:E.L. James
Rating:
Edition Language:English

Fifty Shades Darker Reviews

  • Elizabeth (Liz)

    It never happens, but, during the time I was reading Fifty Shades Darker, I was doing some research online for something altogether unrelated, and I came across the following quote. For me, it captures the essence of Ana's love for Christian, and it honestly gave me chills when I read it and immediately thought of them. I also believe this is truly applicable for *every* relationship.

    It never happens, but, during the time I was reading Fifty Shades Darker, I was doing some research online for something altogether unrelated, and I came across the following quote. For me, it captures the essence of Ana's love for Christian, and it honestly gave me chills when I read it and immediately thought of them. I also believe this is truly applicable for *every* relationship.

    What to say, what to say. This series is, in some ways, not at all what I expected, and, in other ways, is even better than expected. This second installment of Christian and Ana's journey has all of the emotion and depth that I felt was missing somewhat from the first book. There is remarkable and substantial character growth in this follow-up, especially for Christian.

    What is there to say about Christian? Are there words? I found him interesting and compelling in the first book. In Fifty Shades Darker? I am fairly certain I experienced every possible emotion toward and for him, and, in the end, I was as hopelessly in love with him as Ana. Violated by people who had a responsibility, as parent and authority figure, to protect and nurture him, he hid a truly damaged little boy behind a wall of BDSM. He made a legitimate lifestyle choice for all the wrong reasons. And, then, along came Ana.

    It is one of those beautiful, emotional miracles, that the love of, and for, a particular individual can be the catalyst for rebirth...corny as that may sound. Ana held her ground, held on to herself, in the face of an absolutely overwhelming personality and an intense relationship fraught with extreme highs and lows. She proved herself to be the true strength of their relationship. At the same time, she managed to slowly and meticulously peel back the layers and find that badly damaged little boy again. Ana was exposed to *all* of Christian's imperfections. She was confronted with all the hard stuff, all the baggage. She understood that there was still a lot of work ahead of them, ahead of him. But, she didn't let go. She didn't give up. She truly saw the imperfect Christian perfectly. And that little boy finally, finally, allowed himself to trust and love, and begin to feel worthy of love as well.

    Their love story, which, truly, fully unfolds in this second installment is deep and powerful, frightening and joyful, functional and dysfunctional, sexy and innocent. Characters like these, a story like this, is why we read.

    As a final thought, it was very interesting to me to read what seemed almost a deconstruction of Christian's BDSM lifestyle. In a way, it was a refreshing change of pace. Bravo to the author! A story with something of a unique angle is difficult to find in this day and age. Fifty Shades Darker is most definitely a 5-star read!

  • P.A. Lupton

    I really wish I could manually add a 6th star to Goodreads for this book. I never would have believed it was possible, but Fifty Shades Darker is even better than Fifty Shades of Grey. Hard to believe, but true. Reading this book reminded me of a quote that I love by Alan Cohen, “Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.” Reading Fifty Shades Darker is l

    I really wish I could manually add a 6th star to Goodreads for this book. I never would have believed it was possible, but Fifty Shades Darker is even better than Fifty Shades of Grey. Hard to believe, but true. Reading this book reminded me of a quote that I love by Alan Cohen, “Scared and sacred are spelled with the same letters. Awful proceeds from the same root word as awesome. Terrify and terrific. Every negative experience holds the seed of transformation.” Reading Fifty Shades Darker is like witnessing metamorphosis in action.

    What I love the most about this book is the way the events and characters change and develop. I love that Christian Grey transforms from utterly immovable to flexible. Every negative emotion he feels eventually becomes something positive, or at least something he can learn and grow from. He learns the delicate balance between give and take. He learns to open his heart and to accept love—and he learns to give it as well. Everything cold becomes warm, and everything hot—well that’s about the only thing that stays the same, still hot.

    Ana and Christian are so contradictory and conflicting, and yet complement each other so well. Each trial, every obstacle, every hardship the two experiences are overcome and ultimately strengthen the relationship. This is truly one of the most amazing love stories I’ve read.

    I would like to add one more thing regarding a popular misconception about this book. I’ve read a lot of comments from readers saying it is too far out of their comfort zone because of the BDSM elements. I would like to address this because I don’t think readers should shy away from it for that reason. EL James has a way of writing that brings out the heat in a love scene (I literally get butterflies sometimes while reading), but in my opinion she does it in a very tasteful way. I’ve read other BDSM novels and I think these books should really be classified as mild erotica, which contain some MILD elements of BDSM.

    This story has a well defined plot with well developed, in depth characters. The romance is both sweet (I love the emails between the characters) and steamy, and to me the sex scenes do not feel gratuitous. It really is just an amazing and beautiful love story, and I think the BDSM elements are an integral element the plot in this novel.

  • Christy

    Fifty Shades Darker is the second (and my favorite) installment of the Fifty shades trilogy. I love seeing Christian start to come into his own in this book. His issues come to light, and he starts dealing with them.

    Christian Grey... one of my original book boyfriends. Not only is he a damaged man (my favorite) but he is sexy, kinky, bossy and romantic.

    I know this isn't a lengthy review- but this book doesn't need one. I've read this series quite a few times and each time, I love it more an

    Fifty Shades Darker is the second (and my favorite) installment of the Fifty shades trilogy. I love seeing Christian start to come into his own in this book. His issues come to light, and he starts dealing with them.

    Christian Grey... one of my original book boyfriends. Not only is he a damaged man (my favorite) but he is sexy, kinky, bossy and romantic.

    I know this isn't a lengthy review- but this book doesn't need one. I've read this series quite a few times and each time, I love it more and more! This time I listened to the audio book and I loved it! <3

  • Sasha Alsberg

    HUGE improvement compared to Fifty Shades of Grey! Still not AMAZING but not bad at all, I honestly enjoyed reading Fifty Shades Darker and I'm looking forward to read Fifty Shades Freed!

  • Brittany B.

    Ok. There's a dangerous theme in this book that I want to speak out about: Ladies, despite what EL James says,

    I thought part one of Fifty Shades series was too tense and upsetting, but be careful what you wish for... In this follow-up to the infamous BDSM themed 1st novel, Christian shifts his needs and personality 180* and it was yawn-worthy at best. This story was much less dramatic

    Ok. There's a dangerous theme in this book that I want to speak out about: Ladies, despite what EL James says,

    I thought part one of Fifty Shades series was too tense and upsetting, but be careful what you wish for... In this follow-up to the infamous BDSM themed 1st novel, Christian shifts his needs and personality 180* and it was yawn-worthy at best. This story was much less dramatic for me than part one, although there was a suspense element added in with the crazy ex girlfriends on the loose. The sex was less surprising and dramatic as well. (Even Ana got bored and wanted to play in the Red Room of Pain, but he wasn't nearly as inventive as he was in part one. You see, he is a hearts and flowers guy now). Don't get me wrong--- there was lots of sex, just not worth reading. Novelty got old! This book was not as tense, but it wasn't as interesting either. And when Christian F*'s up in this book, he does unforgivable things that Ana doesn't really deal with. I did enjoy the scenes in the ending where the sh't hits the fan.

    I just don't have much to say about this book. I'm not one of those who has fallen for Christian. His lack of empathy is a big deal psychologically. He is almost a sociapath. Narcissism, lack of empathy, cruelty to animals or people (Dom behavior). Check out the antisocial/sociopath definition. He even Dom'ed like a serial killer:

    I don't particularly recommend this book. You are better off not knowing the ridiculous 50 shades joke!

    I'll probably read the next one. Finish what I started. But I'll do it begrudgingly.

    ****update*** I did not read the last book. I tried, but couldn't stand another word of E.L. James' writing. The only positive thing I can say about this series is that James has proven the age-old adage that should give hope to aspiring authors: if she can do it, anyone can!

  • Kruti

    Actual rating: 1.5 stars

    Honestly, I didn’t read this whole thing; I skimmed most of it and I still managed to get the gist of it. At least I saved myself the torture of reading about Ana’s constant inner monologue. I have to say that my review of the first book still largely stands.

    It’s ironic how someone with a name like Steele can’t stand her ground. At the end of the first book, Ana finally sees some sense and leaves Christian. Surprise surprise, that doesn’t last lo

    Actual rating: 1.5 stars

    Honestly, I didn’t read this whole thing; I skimmed most of it and I still managed to get the gist of it. At least I saved myself the torture of reading about Ana’s constant inner monologue. I have to say that my review of the first book still largely stands.

    It’s ironic how someone with a name like Steele can’t stand her ground. At the end of the first book, Ana finally sees some sense and leaves Christian. Surprise surprise, that doesn’t last long and she’s back for some more. Seriously, it’s only been 4 days, 4 FUCKING DAYS *facepalm*

    My god, she was annoying in this one. I have to praise the fact that this book is consistent on one thing…how god damn confused and insecure she is.

    Repeat process for 300+ pages and well, you have your next bestseller.

    And that’s only a start – it doesn’t even include how insecure she gets every time Mrs Robinson or Christian’s ex-subs are mentioned. She wants answers and true to his style, he avoids it with sex. She defies him, he gets angry and they have sex. Sex.sex.sex.sex.sex.in the elevator-on a desk-on the piano-on a boat-on the pool table-on every imaginable surface.sex.sex.sex.sex.sex. No, just no!!! You can’t skip on content by filling it with clumsy and repetitive sex scenes.

    Then there’s Christian *eye twitches*

    Move over Edward Cullen, we have a new creepy stalker lover with some seriously fucked up control issues.

    Sorry Edward, I’m afraid you’ll have to relinquish your crown.

    Seriously, does Christian’s controlling abilities have no boundaries? He actually buys the company she works for, in effectively buying her career and becoming the boss of all her bosses. Really? Does he have that much trouble trusting Ana that he feels the need to keep tabs on her? He might as well lock her in a cage. Oh wait, I forgot how he would like to lock her up in his Red Room of Pain and tie her up to all sorts of things.

    Whilst we’re on the subject, please don’t try to convince me he’s running a multi-billion corporation. He isn’t! He’s probably running the sleazy strip club down the road. If he were, he’d most likely have no time for his shenanigans and I highly doubt he’d

    be interested in this boring and bitter person. But let’s pretend for a moment he is this ruthless multi-billionaire, are you honestly expecting me to buy his needy and vulnerable act? He’s an influential guy, who a lot of people respect. And yet, all I’ve seen him do is moan about Ana leaving him and constantly telling her

    .

    Also, do you really expect me to believe he sees the light in the space of 4 days that Ana left him and will change his ways? No, just no. It would have been more plausible if he had a mental breakdown.

    I didn’t think Christian’s character could get any worse. Boy, was I wrong. We find out more about his past and wow things just get awkward from there. Who knew all his submissives look alike and the sick dude gets off on fucking women who look like his birth mother o_O.

    This book really has got to be the one of the worst sequels ever. There was hardly any plot. The main story just revolves around the 2 characters with Christian being well, Christian and Ana asking him to back off and give her some room to breathe. Does he? Of course not, instead he invades more of her privacy. He actually does background checks on all his submissives including Ana and keeps records too. If that’s not disturbing, I don’t know what is.

    There was potential for something interesting to happen when Leila, the ex-sub enters the scene with a gun but nothing actually happens unless you count giving her a bath interesting. Even the storyline with Elena (Mrs Robinson) was just glossed over. Come on, this woman seduced Christian when he was a boy and contributed to his fucked up nature. And to say that this was all in aid of helping him – well, that’s just bullshit and no excuse for such behaviour.

    Then there’s the plane crash. It’s so out of the blue that you just can’t help but laugh. I honestly thought someone actually heard my prayers and killed off Christian in the hope I wouldn’t have to read anymore of this trash.

    My 1.5 star rating for this book is simply on the grounds of how absurdly amusing I found it all. I probably laughed this of as I knew what I was getting myself into or it could have been the overdose of cold medication I took. Either way, I’m done and if my review deters others from reading it then I’ve done my bit to save humanity. This whole series is an absolute waste IMO. All I can think of is all those trees that are dying/died for this crap.

  • Katrina Passick Lumsden

    Yeah, I've continued with the series. Why, you ask? Why, when I so thoroughly despised

    , would I do this to myself?

    Why, for the

    factor, of course! Bad writing tends to make me giddy because I'm much better at being a

    critic than I am at....well, most anything else. Reading books this awful actually brings a certain amount of joy into my life. Plus, I had a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my reviews of the second and third Fifty books.

    Yeah, I've continued with the series. Why, you ask? Why, when I so thoroughly despised

    , would I do this to myself?

    Why, for the

    factor, of course! Bad writing tends to make me giddy because I'm much better at being a

    critic than I am at....well, most anything else. Reading books this awful actually brings a certain amount of joy into my life. Plus, I had a few people tell me they couldn't wait for my reviews of the second and third Fifty books. Alas, here I am. Unfortunately (for me),

    wasn't quite as bad as as its predecessor. Don't get me wrong, it was still awful, but the rage-inducing badness of the first wasn't quite as powerful here. Or maybe I've built up a bit of an immunity. No matter, it's still bad, and I'm still going to have a hell of a lot of fun writing about it. Now, the first installment in this series made me so angry, I could barely write a coherent review. I'll be using more source material this time around (but don't worry, there will still be gifs).

    Very first sentence:

    My reaction to that sentence was a snort of laughter.

    We begin with a prologue of Christian Grey having a night terror regarding a childhood memory. I simply couldn't help laughing when his mom's pimp treated me to six utterances of, "You are one fucked-up bitch."

    After the prologue, we're right back in Anastasia's head (it's a good thing there's room for us in there). We're treated to a chapter of her wallowing in depression and self-pity while wasting away because Christian isn't there to remind her that eating is a fundamental aspect of survival. We're also introduced to Ana's new job at SIP, a small publishing company, and to her new boss. Mr. Jack Hyde.

    Mr. Hyde? Really?

    After what seems a rather generous amount of whining from Ana, she and Christian are back together. Yay! All that screwed-up physical violence forgotten. It's so sweet, too, their reunion. Christian asks Ana why she didn't safeword in the midst of his assault (which occurred at the end of the first book), and she admits that she was overwhelmed and just...forgot. Call me crazy, but to me, this is understandable. You're not used to this consensual punishment thing (not to mention the fact that you never explicitly consented in the first place) and your man is enjoying viciously turning your ass into a slab of raw beef, and you forget there's an easy way out of it. I get that. Christian, not so much. He asks how he's ever going to trust her again. And Ana? She

    Was I angry when I read that? Shit, yes, but thankfully, things ended up taking a turn. Ana sort of starts to stand up for herself and Christian begins to catch on that he's a total d-bag and maybe he should tone it down. This is where the story changed for me. It went from all-out rage-inducing (like the first book), to incomprehensible hilarity. I had thought the first line was good, but in comparison, lines like this are pure comedic gold:

    , it's my dream man. He's crazy with a side of fries

    he utters the worst romanticisms this side of a Nicholas Sparks novel.

    The sex scenes are tamer in terms of their content, but they're also extremely limited in terms of content. The same thing happens every time; Christian flashes Ana a "look", during which his eyes darken (he might have a serious ocular condition), desire "pools in her belly", some undressing occurs, then there's nipple teasing, he blows, sucks, nips, licks, whatever, and she is usually pretty passive, save for her gyrating hips, which were once "caught up in his cool vanilla spell" (I couldn't make this shit up), and then....Ana explodes.

    Oh, and she apparently loses consciousness after every orgasm. Why is this happening? She might be anemic. She should get that checked out.

    There was one really gross sex scene, though. The ice cream scene. Christian is dripping ice cream all over Ana, and I was going, "Ewwww!" because I really hate the stickiness of sugary foods anywhere on my body, and can you imagine that shit getting in your hair? (Oh, hush). Whatever, that's not the point. The point is, this doesn't sound right:

    It's the Zombie plague! It's got hold of Fifty! It's Fifty shades of viscera!!

    Aaaanywho, where was I? Oh, right, the sex. Boring. Even more boring than in the first book because the same wording is used for nearly every scene. And since there are a lot of sex scenes, I experienced no less than 15 instances of deja vu. Even my inner voice sounded bored; "He slides his fingers in and swirls, blah blah

    , erection digging into my hip, yadda yadda, gotta remember to pick up milk at the store tomorrow..."

    The tiresomely redundant writing would probably be a little easier to deal with if not for the fact that the majority of it is used to express the thoughts of what is unquestionably the dumbest character in the history of literature. Ana is a mental midget. This is not about her choices, it's about her inability to comprehend even the simplest of concepts. I think my favorite demonstration was during a charity auction Christian's parents were hosting. One of Christian's "ex-subs" (that's ex-submissive for those who aren't in the know *wink wink*) is wandering around, apparently armed and gunning for Ana. Or Christian. We never really know for sure, but anyway, because of this threat, Christian has hired more security. Taylor, Christian's chief bodyguard, now has three guys under his command, and all four of them are cruising the party, keeping an eye out for Ms. Small, Dark, and Nutsy. After watching a fireworks display (during which Ana was awed like a fucking four-year-old), I was treated to this exchange:

    Christian:

    Ana: (thinks)

    Christian:

    Ana:

    That's not even the best part, though. The best part is Christian's reaction:

    I had a really hard time not imagining what went through Christian's mind. You know what I'm talking about. "Oh, darling, it's a good thing you're hot. Otherwise I'd take you up in Charlie Tango right now and push you out somewhere over the Space Needle."

    There were times, of course, when the idiocy wasn't restricted to Ana and her vacuous noggin. At one point, Christian and Ana are discussing his crazy ex-sub, Leila, and Ana can tell Christian is holding something back, so she snaps at Christian to tell her what's going on.

    Really? I know E.L. James is a Brit, and yeah, maybe she views this as the United States of Barbarity, but you can't just wander into a fucking gun store and ask for a goddamn CPL. In fact, in Washington state, it can take up to 60 days for an out-of-state resident to receive theirs, and that's

    the background check. The stupid doesn't end there, though.

    Well, sure, if she wants to be all

    about it. I kinda figured she'd go the subtle route and get herself a bunny.

    It was during moments like that when I wished I knew Ana in real life, simply for of the amount of fun that could be had fucking with her.

    "Ana, you don't understand. It's so much worse than that. A concealed weapons permit means she can buy a

    weapon. Concealed weapons are....

    ."

    Did I mention Ana's dumb? Well, guess what? She also has the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. It's worse than hanging out with a love-sick 14-year-old. Why? Because it's hanging out with a love-sick 21-year-old with the emotional maturity of a fruit fly. I thought I made this clear. You know who else made it clear? E.L. James. I was beaten over the head over and over and

    again with Ana's self-doubt and insecurities. She's so unsure of herself, in fact, that she keeps asking the

    questions; "What is he trying to tell me?" "What does he/she mean?" "What is going on?" "What should I do?" "Where is our relationship going?" "What was

    about?" "Where are we going?" "What is he planning?" "What is he gonna do?" "How does he know?"

    Hey, Ana! Guess what?!

    When she's not whining, crying, giggling, getting railed, or giving herself a migraine trying to think, she's going on and on in these relentless inner diatribes about how hot/sexy/adorable/god-like/beautiful Christian is, and joy is erupting inside her every time she realizes she's with him, and she gets a warm feeling whenever she thinks about how much she

    him, and on and on and

    . Her inner goddess (ridiculous metaphor for her vagina) is still annoyingly present, and her subconscious has gotten even bitchier (just how Ana knows what's going on in her

    has yet to be determined). One of the best parts about her inner dialogue is that she's always telling us what's going on after we've had the scene described to us. And several times she reacts with astounded shock that someone *gasp*

    . (No. I am not fucking kidding.)

    Ana is that special friend you end up wanting to choke to death every time you talk to her, but you don't have the ambition to tell her to go fuck herself with a rake, so you avoid her when you can, and when you can't, you sit around listening to her inane babbling like...

    Her insecurity reaches monumental, mind-blowing levels, however, when she finds Leila (remember her?) in her apartment. Lord Fisterbottom rushes in to save the day, of course, but then Ana watches him go all "Dom" on Leila to defuse the situation. Then he ends up at Leila's side, stroking her hair, trying to chillaxe the crazy broad, and Ana starts getting

    ! Right there, I'm not kidding! She doesn't want to leave the apartment because she's afraid of what will happen between Christian and Loony Tunes! Taylor has to forcibly remove Ana from her apartment, and the whole time we're treated to Ana's bullshit thoughts regarding whether or not Christian is going to

    for Leila.

    Fucked up, right? There's a time and a place for insecurity; that ain't it.

    Oh, then she finds out Christian gave Leila a bath. What that has to do with the story, I have no idea.

    So are you getting the gist? Lots and lots of melodrama. Well, we haven't gotten to Christian's melodrama yet, so prepare yourselves. He starts freaking out on Ana, telling her she can't leave, she means everything to him, he needs her, blah blah blah, and then....then he says,

    Say what? Normal reaction to this is revulsion and horror. To give her some credit, Ana is a little horrified. Does she leave?

    Oh, for fuck's sake.

    That is

    the proper response to your boyfriend's revelation that he likes to abuse and sex you because you look like his

    ! This is:

    *Sigh*

    There's also a helicopter crash, a marriage proposal, a showdown with an ephebophile, and an attempted rape. Why? Because why the fuck not?

    I don't even know where to go from here. This book is ridiculous. Even more so than the first since it's trying to sell the reader on this impossible scenario. You cannot change an abusive man, and it is dangerous folly to try. Quit romanticizing it. Fantasy is one thing, impossible delusions are quite another.

    I suppose I'll close with one of my favorite lines from the mind of the magnificently inept Miss Steele:

    Word Count:

    "Oh my" - 47

    "Crap" - 36

    "Jeez" - 84

    "Holy (shit/fuck/crap/hell/cow/moses)" - 124

    "Whoa" - 30

    "Gasp" - 44

    "Gasps" - 17

    "Sharp Intake of Breath" - 5

    "Murmur" - 91

    "Murmurs" - 194

    "Whisper" - 140

    "Whispers" - 113

    "Mutter" - 71

    "Mutters" - 48

    "Fifty" - 95

    "Lip" - 47

    "Inner goddess" - 58

    "Subconscious" - 59

    And I'm out.

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  • Navessa

    Did you know that used bookstores and charity shops are

    Our local ReStore actually put out a news bulletin telling people they were no longer accepting them.

    I'm guessing people are trying to dump them off on the needy because they have buyer's remorse (ME, I HAVE THIS), they don't want people to see these books sitting on their bookshelves (ME, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THESE B

    Did you know that used bookstores and charity shops are

    Our local ReStore actually put out a news bulletin telling people they were no longer accepting them.

    I'm guessing people are trying to dump them off on the needy because they have buyer's remorse (ME, I HAVE THIS), they don't want people to see these books sitting on their bookshelves (ME, I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO SEE THESE BOOKS SITTING ON MY BOOKSHELVES), or they want to pass the glory of this series around (NOT ME. NOT ME AT ALL. I ACTUALLY JUST GAGGED WHEN I TYPED GLORY).

    So, if you, like me, like

    of us, find yourself with a set of the FSoG trilogy you no longer want, I've compiled a helpful list of ways you can re-use, re-purpose or recycle them!

    Had a hard day at work? Did someone cut you off in traffic? Kid won't stop crying? Dog shit on the floor? Don't take it out on your loved ones! Take it out on these books!

    No really, go to town, girl. Because you're going to need to rip every damn page out if you have any hope of completing all the tasks on this list. TRUST ME.

    Because there's nothing that'll make a shitty book shittier than more shit.

    Step One: Tear out two pages from any of the FSoG books. Use your teeth if you're suffering from any lingering rage.

    Step Two: Draw some funky shapes on the top sheet.

    Step Three: Cut. Them. Out.

    Step Four: Select some bold colors and paint those suckers.

    Step Five: Line them up. Poke a hole. Slip an earring through. AND ROCK THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS.

    They fit right in!

    During an ice storm…

    …stack the pages on the pavement behind your vehicle to keep the wheels from slipping.

    Step One: Paint a bunch of pages white.

    Step Two: Once they're dry, fold them in half and draw half a butterfly, starting at the crease.

    Step Three: Cut it out and admire zee pretteh.

    Step One: Take some of those leftover white pages and cut them in half.

    Step Two: Fold them once, twice, three times.

    Step Three: Cut a curve.

    Step Four: Unfold. Snip. Glue.

    Step Five: ADMIRE ZEE PRETTEH

    Step One: Select a plain wreath (duh).

    Step Two: Find those pretteh butterflies and flowers you just made and glue those adorable little paper beauties onto that ugly ass wreath.

    Okay, so it's winter, and the tomatoes in my fridge didn't come from my garden. Let's just pretend they did, and that they're still green. WANNA KNOW HOW TO SPEED THEIR RIPENING?! It's easy, wrap them in shoddily written sex scenes.

    Step One: Fold.

    Step Two: Fold more.

    Step Three: GET THOSE KITTEHS!

    Our one female cat was less impressed (shocker).

  • Dreamer

    The missus bought a Paperback

    ...down Tesco, Saturday,

    I had a look inside her bag;

    .......T'was "fifty shades of grey".

    Well I just left her to it,

    And at ten I went to bed.

    An hour later she appeared;

    The sight filled me with dread…..

    In her left she held a rope;

    And in her right a whip!

    She threw them down upon the floor,

    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;

    I might have had a peek;

    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

    ..... She's eighty four next week!!

    Watching Mabel bump and gri

    The missus bought a Paperback

    ...down Tesco, Saturday,

    I had a look inside her bag;

    .......T'was "fifty shades of grey".

    Well I just left her to it,

    And at ten I went to bed.

    An hour later she appeared;

    The sight filled me with dread…..

    In her left she held a rope;

    And in her right a whip!

    She threw them down upon the floor,

    And then began to strip.

    Well fifty years or so ago;

    I might have had a peek;

    But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

    ..... She's eighty four next week!!

    Watching Mabel bump and grind;

    Could not have been much grimmer.

    And things then went from bad to worse;

    She toppled off her Zimmer!

    She struggled back upon her feet;

    A couple minutes later;

    She put her teeth back in and said

    .....I am the dominator !!

    Now if you knew our Mabel,

    You'd see just why I spluttered,

    I'd spent two months in traction

    For the last complaint I'd uttered.

    She stood there nude and naked

    Bent forward just a bit

    I went to hold her, sensual like

    and stood on her left tit!

    Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

    My god what had I done!?

    She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

    "Step on the other one"!!

    Well readers, I can't tell no more;

    About what occurred that day.

    Suffice to say my jet black hair,

    Turned fifty shades of Grey.

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